Irony

Dear Spoonbill,

Good morning! Yes I realize it’s well after noon but I’m celebrating Family Day 2013 by lying on the couch hungover. Pounding headache. Everything hurts. But I’m powering through the consequences of my poor choices because I have stuff to tell you. Let me share a story about your friend and my secret crush of the past three months, Daniel.

Near the end of October, I was volunteering at an event when a familiar face came towards me. A really handsome familiar face. It took me a second to place him but then I realized it was your friend Daniel. I don’t remember you ever introducing us or talking to him in uni so I’m not even sure how I recognized him. Maybe I have a great memory for good-looking faces seen in other peoples’ photos on facebook? But we started chatting and it was immediately apparent that this was one very charming guy. I was crushing hard within the first ten minutes. After volunteering, a bunch of us went out and had a truly excellent evening at some of Edmonton’s finest licensed establishments. The night ended with Daniel and my good friend Thomas crashing at my apartment. Thomas was all “Daniel is definitely trying to get with you, and you’re clearly into him. Go for it.” And I was all, “Umm I just met the guy. He can sleep on the couch and charm me again in the morning.” But in the morning it was just sober chit chat, and then Daniel and Thomas left.

Insert montage of the past three months here. Well, actually that would be a really boring montage because after that I only saw Daniel at volunteer meetings. So the montage would just be me sitting there being enamoured while trying to remind myself that he didn’t make any special effort towards me post-sleeping on my couch so he probably wasn’t interested so I should probably just let it go. And then a few weeks ago I found out he actually has a girlfriend so I extra wanted to stop crushing. No success. He really is irritatingly charming. Guys like that should have to walk around with signs that say “Taken” so the rest of us don’t accidentally fall for them.

The especially difficult thing was that every now and again he would do or say something that felt a lot like flirting. Nothing huge. Just some gesture that was enough to make me second guess him not being interested. But then there’s the girlfriend so I thought, no I’m just overanalyzing this. Let it go!

Last night I volunteered at another event. Daniel wasn’t there, but a mutual friend who was on their billionth Yellowhead was. And thus I learned that Daniel harboured his own secret crush on me in university. Wait, what?

Noooooooooooo!!

Spoonbill!! Why!! Why?! Are you kidding me?! The handsome, witty, charming guy I thought I didn’t have a shot with used to like me?! Where was I?! How is that possible? I can’t even remember talking to him in undergrad! When would he have had occasion to develop a secret crush on me?

Ok Universe, I get it. You’re fucking with me. Hilarious. Now please quit it.

As much as I want to torture myself by finding out when exactly during our undergrad he was into me, and for how long, and at what event we actually talked that I’m forgetting about, I know it’s really pointless. Because, you know, he has a girlfriend.

The good news is I feel slightly less tragic for thinking he was flirting with me.

It’s also worth pointing out that it would have been incredibly easy for him to say to you at some point back in the day,”Hey Spoonbill, can you introduce me to your friend Ibis?” And he didn’t. Clearly not a man of action. I’m not into that.

To console myself, I flirted all night with a handsome architect. Ask me how that turned out. I dare you.

Love, Ibis

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