I Can’t Live on Crumbs

Ibis,

My condolences for your loss, but my applause for your self-solidarity. Maybe Sam did not receive the intended message, but the point was not for him to understand but for you to express. Your emotional MO’s clearly were not simpatico. His cool reserve froze your forthcoming warmth. So, again, I’m so sorry for the loss of a prospect, but you deserve better etc etc.

I have only bits and pieces to report, but let me report them. And by bits and pieces, I mean, I have swept all the boy-crumbs left on my love placemat into a pile, and am calling that my love life. So, in no particular order:

1)     Caleb. I video-chatted with Caleb on Thursday. The video-chat lasted for hours, and covered a breadth of topics, from silly nonsense to mental stability to loves we have lost. It was surprisingly communicative, and I had that feeling that you sometimes get after unusual openness with someone that we had really connected. If it is a string that connects us to each other, Caleb and I traded in yarn for twine. It is a strange dynamic in some ways. We used to be something more than friends, we are now ostensibly just friends, but we have a little sparkle that couldn’t be washed off by the conversion. I am trying to savour the specialness of that. The friendship is abnormal, but I want to revel in it. Like the uncertain time before a relationship blooms, the time of flirtation and tension. I enjoy that time, before anything solidifies. This is like that, but, somehow, on the wrong end.

2)     Tommy. Still much the same. Cute emails, regular contact, comforting familiarity, companionship in the mundane. I detect a shift, though. Not sure if it is me or him, but, like a slow leak, I think the air is being released from our emotional connection. I marvel at how painless, how smooth our disengagement has been. We are like a long, warm hug gently releasing each other. May all subsequent breakups be so soft.

3)     Peter. Ongoing. I need to devote a whole novel to the importance of Peter in my development and the roles he played in my formative years. These last few weeks though he has chosen to be an active correspondent on a daily basis, asking probing questions about our history. And we have a lot of history. And I get sucked into the rabbithole of dissection of the past. At this point, it’s mainly a clinical exercise, but I am always leery of his intentions. As I said to him one time, it took me ten years to get out of his orbit, and I am terrified of getting reeled back in. So, I respond, I interact, but I always question his agenda. Because god knows, conscious or not, he has an agenda.

4)     Jason. I pulled a little bit with Jason what you pulled with Sam. I left him for last so I could use the parallelism to come full circle. He is someone I feel strongly about. I am smitten with him and his image, and he is tentative about me. Like you with Sam, this dynamic is volatile. My brain says ride the wave, squash the stress, manage your emotions, dampen your expectations, play the game, reel him in slowly. But my heart can’t keep it up. I become too frustrated when he doesn’t respond to a text, or when he says he will call but then does not. The age old telephone jilting cliché is a mini-heartbreak for me every time. With someone I cared less about, I absolutely have the elasticity for this; with Jason, I care too much. So, he texts me ‘Hi’ while I’m drinking on a Friday night in Portland. I respond with ‘I think you’re right. We are not going to work out. It is too  bad, but it is a c’est la vie J’. Yea. I know. He probably saw that response coming. He says hi, I say bye. But it was a hello after the last thing he said to me was, call you later tonight – five days hence. And, as an Ibis once said, if it’s been five days, find your dignity. And if he’s not into me, I’m torturing myself with false hope. So, we have a little back and forth negotiations of terms and language, but in the end, my initial text still stood. I’ll probably try to skype with him soon just to reiterate the main points in person, but that’s just mopping up. As I said a few weeks ago, Ibis, my sinusoidal graph with Jason mirrors your sinusoid with Sam – and both our stocks are down right now. Well, I guess, we actually both just sold the stock.

So, the take home messages are two: Jason is kaput, and on the three remaining crumbs, I will starve. Here’s hoping I come across a brioche.

Coming soon, a play-by-play of my weekend in Portland.

Miss you, but will be visiting you shortly (10 days!),

Spoonbill

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