A wise, owlish friend once told me that you can never receive external closure. Closure is an internal reconciliation, achieved by the self despite the chaotic, unresolved, careless endings of others. I have taken this to heart, and tried to tie the bows on all my boxes myself. I’ve given up on haranguing the boy for the decisive final word, or a last, civil goodbye, or the comforting, feel-good resolution. Instead, I have become a master at mental and emotional tidying. Which is what I have spent this week doing, in regards to Tommy.
And I am resolved.
I do not love him, I do not want to bind my life to his. I am lonely without him, but I do not miss him for him. I do not feel any pain. I am content with my decision.
He is gone now, we still talk, although less. We still blur the lines of friend-versus-lover, but, for me, this is idle texting and selfish junkfood comfort.
It is almost laughable how unfeeling I am about this. Especially in relation to Caleb, who I am not over. But that will be for next time.
For now, I just wanted you to know that my heart is a callous and I am over Tommy. Count: 6 days.
Love (because I do love you…),