5am is for sleeping

Spoonbill,

I am wide, wide awake and I have been since 5am. I’m not especially happy about this, considering it’s moving day. But I woke up with stuff in my head that wanted to be written down and discussed avec vous and here we are. List format? Why not?

1. I’ve been having thoughts about Hunter for the past few days. As usual. But lately the thoughts are: Ibis, you deserve to get over this guy. The key word here is deserve. Not I need to get over this guy, not I should get over this guy, not even I want to get over this guy. I DESERVE to get over this guy. When did we break up? It often feels like just a couple months ago, but if I consult a calendar (and I literally need to consult a calendar because since we graduated, I have no concept whatsoever of the space-time continuum), I broke up with him in December 2010 aka 1 year and 9 months ago. We’re looking at almost two years of my life spent regretting a decision. Although to be fair, I guess I didn’t start regretting it until April 2011 so it’s really only 1 year and 5 months of regret. Still not the best use of my emotional capacity. And my recent attempts to re-establish lines of communication with this boy have been met with denial of our past on one count (you may recall how well I handled that, thanks again for holding my hair back), and cyber-silence on the others. Yes, there have been two other attempts to talk to him since May. One was because I was drunk and one was because I was drunker. Now you know my dirty secret. I think we can both agree that I am worth more than this regret and virtual rejection. Hence my conclusion that I deserve to get over him. This feels like an important first step.

2. In support of point 1, I think I should make a list of all his flaws/reasons I know I will get over him. First point on the list: the greatest love I have felt in a relationship thus far in my life was not him. It was Jack. And I got over Jack. It also took a couple of years to get over Jack of course, but I remember the moment I realized I was over him so perfectly. That was another middle of the night epiphany. It was a sleepless night, and I was feeling particularly masochistic so I started reading an old journal that contained entries from the beginning of Jack and I’s relationship. Cue the sob fest. And then I went on the ever tortuous fb and saw his profile picture and just like that, all of a sudden, I realized I wasn’t in love with him anymore. It was like lightning! Bam! I wouldn’t get back together with this boy even if I had the chance! Bam! I’ve moved on! Bam! I’m over him! And I haven’t shed a tear for Jack since. This gives me faith that I will get over Hunter too.

3. That whole train of thought got going because of you. So thank you for the inspiration! How, you ask? Well, you wrote about the best compliment you had received in the past 6 months. And it got me thinking, what is the best compliment I’ve received in the best 6 months? Which I couldn’t really put together because, as mentioned in point 1, I have no concept of time. But I think the best compliment I have ever received (from a boy) was from Jack. When our friendship was starting to heat up and turn romantic he told me that being with me was “intoxicating.” Way to sweep a girl off her feet Jack! So anyways, remembering that compliment got me thinking about Jack which got me thinking about eventually getting over him, which got me thinking about Hunter and it all came together in my head at 5 am this morning. Neat.

4. Rambling side note, another compliment I’ve received (from a boy) that has always stood out in my memory was from Rodney. Remember that one summer when I thought we were pals and he thought I was the one and it all culminated in him confessing his love and telling me I was incandescent? That was a great compliment, although unfortunately I didn’t return his affection. In hindsight I can’t remember if he actually said incandescent or if I just improved his vocabulary in my mind. Anyways, he said something along the lines of how I shine or glow or whatever. I’m gonna stick with incandescent for the unofficial record.

5. And finally, last thought, there is nothing more annoying than a slow computer when you have words in your head DEMANDING to be put down on paper (or screen as the case may be). This last one occurred to me once I finally got out of bed and turned on my laptop. Speaking of which, how is your antique since it’s meltdown last weekend? Are you going to have to discuss with Papa Spoonbill the possibility of an early Xmas present, or will your Mac make it to December?

Miss your face,

Ibis

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